Jul 15, 2014

How did I get here?

Yes, indeed.

How did I get here?

I am honestly not sure how much I weighed when I was born, but I was definitely no lightweight!
I have two older brothers who were already out of the house when I was born and since I was the only child of two people in their second marriage and came late in their life, I was spoiled.
We didn't have much money, so I wasn't spoiled with gifts so much as with food as a reward. Everything we celebrated revolved around food. Naturally. And as is always the case, fast food and unhealthy choices are always cheaper and easier to come by than whole, healthy fare.

From the beginning of when I can remember I was always the chubby little girl but I don't think it was until I was about 10 years old that I actually realized that I looked different from the girls around me. My mom was an incredible cook and there were always baked treats around and home cooked meals. There was no calorie counting, no specific dietary needs and also not much health food awareness.
Before I reached puberty I had no problem putting on a swimsuit in public or wearing shorts in summer. But when it finally hit me around 11 years old, it was like someone had lifted a dark, heavy curtain and I was seeing the world and myself in a completely different way.
I was suddenly embarrassed of wearing a mini skirt, which in the 80's was standard issue uniform (with a scrunchie) for most girls. I wouldn't go near a pool unless it was in the company of family only, but even then my brothers would throw out little remarks that were meant to be funny, but almost always hurt.
Thunderthighs... yep.
Another number they did on me, without realizing of course, was 'checking' my food. One would make sure the orange juice 'was fresh', and drank the entire cup. Another would tell me Magnum P.I. had just blown up and as soon as I would turn my head, my chicken would vanish from my plate.
Enter eating problem #1... Eat fast cause someone might take your food!

In my teen years I was no better.
I was the fat girl. It was no longer chubby or pudgy, now it was plain old... fat.
I never got asked to any dances and the road of the heartbreaking 'she is just a friend' began here.
I hated my body and felt ashamed but mostly I hated myself for not changing it. I would cry about it often and then go eat some doughnuts. My mom tried to help and offered me numerous diets and pills to try. They never worked.
It was not yet my time. This was also the time when I honed in on a special skill... Don't let them know you're suffering. Smile. Make a joke. Be the funny one. It will be ok.
Or so I would make myself believe.

When I was about 17 I spent a year away from home in a community where I studied and did a lot of physical work and was at a somewhat OK weight. I don't remember how much that was since I was always too afraid to weigh myself, but nothing was jiggling, overlapping or hanging back then. When I moved back home I continued to exercise twice a day for half an hour. Nothing extreme, just a little aerobics here and there. I didn't even own weights. I was also a vegetarian.
No, no... wait a second, before you assume that's why I was healthier. I was a no chicken or meat vegetarian but I was very pro pasta, bread and carbs. Mr. Atkins hadn't found me yet!

When I met my husband in '98 I moved to the US and was introduced to the world of fast-fast-food!
I dropped the vegetarian act and took on burger challenges with my husband (ten McDonalds burgers. And GO!). It was awesome. He loved me. I loved food. He loved food. All was good in the world. There were doughnuts here too... and soda... and fried shit... and Chinese food... and Mexican... my taste buds were in nirvana.
There was a slight oversight on my part while I was in my food-coma... my husband had the metabolism of a hummingbird. I, however, did not.

The weight slowly crept on. I would cry about it again. He would tell me he liked my butt. We would eat out... rinse and repeat. Like 633 times! I was disgusted with myself. How could I have gotten here? Had I really eaten this much? How could my body have changed so much without me even noticing?!

Seven years after we met, we had our gorgeous little boy. It was incredible. I remember being at work and boasting that I could now eat whatever I wanted. Heck... I was feeding two now! It was glorious. I think I put on 35 pounds with my first pregnancy. And then I kept it. And you know... added more.

In 2010 I was at my all time heaviest. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS! Ka-pow!
I must have put a little half-assed effort into it because right before I was pregnant with our little girl, I was down to 240lbs. I had to be very careful with this pregnancy as I had developed gestational diabetes and was really watching my sugar intake. Two months after the little princess was out, I was at 218lbs.

But again, as has always been for me, the weight crept back up again. In Feb '13 I was back at 254lbs.
I began clean-er eating and healthier habits in April '14 but it wasn't until my marriage was on the rocks and my mother passed away that I had my Aha! moment and realized that no diet in the world would work for me. So, instead I have committed myself to changing my relationship with food and creating a new healthy reality for myself that I can live with forever.
Not just until next Monday.

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