And my husband never knew.
Not that he needed to know about the blog specifically. I am doing this for me. But the reason I never shared it with him was because I was ashamed. Of me. You see, I never told him how much I weighed. Not then and not now. I have been carrying this 'burden' alone. And how totally stupid of me?! The man sees me every day. We have babies!
I was so ashamed and disgusted with the number on the scale that I would make sure he was safely in the shower before stepping on the scale or go out of my way to hide a form that had that horrid number on it. Even though he had seen me a hundred times before, he had never seen the number that represented just how much I had stopped caring. About myself. And ultimately about him too.
So, it seems poignant that today, on our 15th wedding anniversary, I would share with him something that has weighed heavy on me (get it?.. weigh... nevermind...) and that I had been avoiding for all these years.
His response to me in return?
His utter support and acceptance. And to me that is one hellofa gift!
No judgement. No criticism.
Even as we spoke I felt embarrassed of the words coming out of my mouth. I felt silly about this 'secret' I was keeping. And I realized how it must have seemed to him like I was treating him. Like a child.
OF COURSE he knew, or at least had some slight idea. As he pointed out... he was at the hospital filling out forms when we had the kids. He has seen 'the number' every once in a while. This is a smart man I'm talking about here. Very smart! It was such a stupid feeling even telling him, but the coming clean part felt like an enormous relief. Even though I tug at my shirt when I sit or cover my mid-section with my arms and suck it in to try and fake it sometimes, I suddenly felt like I could just be seen completely. I was lifting a veil that, to be honest, wasn't even there in anyone's reality but my own.
Maybe I could finally bring myself to share this with him because I am at my lowest weight in 16 or so years. Maybe I have just built up more confidence in myself lately (eating right and working out has that effect on me, I guess). Or maybe I knew there could be no real growth without full disclosure and honesty.
Yeah, that one.
No... all three!
Whatever it was, it's done. He knows. I breathe. He offers frozen yogurt instead of ice cream to celebrate 15 years.
photobombed by a sneaky 10 year old!
Bonus moment: When I asked him how much he thinks I weigh, his answer: 220. My correction: 214... lol